I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
