Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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