I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
