I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
