I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
