About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
