got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
