is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The uberlube is also flammable
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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