People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
