Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
