You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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