He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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