I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
