The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
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I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
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A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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