no, he came in my armpit
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
