Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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