So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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