I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Randomize
