She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
