Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I supernannyed him into submission
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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