I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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