I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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