First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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