I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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