If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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