Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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