At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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