Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
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