1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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