Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
