im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
