The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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