It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
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