guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
