You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
