I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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