Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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