i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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