I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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