I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
