i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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