Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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