I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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