i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
