i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
