Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
