Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
