White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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