I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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