oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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