I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
