My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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