It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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