someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
