I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
