youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Randomize
