Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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