The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
