he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
bring money and cleavage
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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