did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
