Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
